Drinking Olympics - Fantasy Draft

 Holyyyyyyy shitttttttt I am back pussy boys and dick boy!!!!!!

Now that I am back and dusting off this ink-feathered pen, I'd like to add a few editor's notes in before we continue breaking down the competition. 

1.) Going on a two-week out-of-country trip and promising a blog right as you come home was not smart. My body is in shambles, my brain is in shambles, and apparently, I now have a million things to do. That being said, I know the Beer Olympics talk may have died down so I hope to revive it here.

2.) Having spent over 24 hours in trains, taxi's, and subways..... Along with 22 hours worth of flights..... and over 18 hours in airports in layovers/waiting for planes.... I actually have had this entire 3,000 - 4,000 word blog typed out in my head to full length. On the flip side of that, I don't really have any funny pictures or cute little quips planned, so this is going to be a lot of reading. 

3.) Rankings will be at the bottom along with the format of said games I have built in my brain.

Editors note: Quick apology to the ones I won't name who can't read as I won't have pictures for you to follow along with. (lliW, sakuL, dna nitsuA: era eploep esohT.)

We ended on Dustin so lets pick up where we left off:

Kirk - Hawk (no Tuah) - I have never seen a Hawk do anything. It sits on its pole and it's constantly got its head on a swivel, eyes on the horizon, and doesn't miss a fucking thing but I have never seen it function or hunt? I have never seen Kirk play like a Beer Olympic-style game but in the drinking card/board games we play, this mother fucker never lets me get away with cheating. I swear to god I thought Dan was always watching me but Kirk regardless of how hammered he blows dan (no tuah) out of the water. Little unknown factor going into the games on my end but still a threat. 

Advantages: 

Dad Strength- Self-explanatory.

Disadvantages:

Is a Dad - One thing I love about my life is that when I "somehow" "end up" getting hammered every weekend when I've been saying I am going to slow down but then end up texting the 44 bartenders for hard drugs on a 6pm on a Saturday before a rehearsal dinner is that I know when I wake up Sunday morning I don't have another human being relying on me to survive. This just simply has to be a thought in the back of your head when you are on beer 17 before 4pm and we are halfway through the games that tomorrow morning you have a full-time 24/7 job to do the next morning. 

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Lukas - Bighorn sheep - I know your initial thought on this animal selection is because male bighorn sheep are known to have anal sex and at Alan's wedding he told my wife he was going to fuck her in the ass... Thats actually half of it. This guy is sheep but when he starts drinking he turns into this bighorned motherfucker that will headbutt you and go on rampages. He only functions on the 0-100 mentality so stay out of the way or get ran over.

Advantages:

Mentality - When hes in, hes in. He will get fucking plastered, he will pest, he will annoy, and he will get under your skin. Then when you retaliate he will agree, he will be meek, and he will joke on himself. He is unwavering and unflappable. I once threw him in Lake Erie (justifiably so) because he bullied me for 35 minutes on the Jet Express to put-in-bay and then felt bad afterward.

Disadvantages- 

Liquor - He only like liquor. This is a big problem because.... wait, let's come back to this.

Hangovers - The reason he stops drinking for months at a time is because hangovers take him out of the game for months at a time. This entire day will be at the forefront of his mind/life once we announce an official date. It will be marked off on the calendar and he will be dreading for days, weeks, or months before it happens.

Bad at Drinking games - "Woah Kyle that's just fucking rude" - Ctay probably. But it actually has to do with the liquor part. When you play fucking flip cup with a double shot of this random ass top-shelf quality bourbon they sell at Kroger every second half crescent full moon, no shit your bad. This guy is like 18 beers down plastered in 4 rounds of flip cup.

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Nattyboi Codster - Hippo - Everyone chill the fuck out. "You're calling him fat" is actually the complete opposite. Hippos are the deadliest animals to humans in the world, can run up to 30mph in short bursts (I'll give anyone 50 bones to go across the middle on this fucking guy), and also have the biggest lips out of all the animals in the kingdom. On everyone's list, they texted in the group chat he was 1:1 because we know he's a killer.

Advantages:

Experience - He's easily the best drinker here and nobody can keep his pace or the amount. Along with that, I see like 15 different snaps throughout the summer of him just at other people's drinking game parties throughout the summer. "I can keep up with him no problem" - Austin probably... "I've been drinking since you were born kid" - Cody's reply probably. 

Lip - This spicy killer will get sassy, he will piss you off, and then do it again while he's ripping the Breeze and Marlboro's in your face. Screaming in your face, whispering in your ear, and then laughing in your face is his game and it will be present.

Disadvantages:

Music - If you are not playing the correct music or music to his liking it will send him into a spiral. He would rather lose every drinking game or not even play at all if the tunes aren't right. Cody has been known to scream at bars, at people, or just into the abyss how pissed off at how bad your music is and has no remorse about it.

Music pt2 - If you are playing the correct music or the music to his liking there is a high percentage chance he will forget about the drinking games and either blowout his $10 wait, $18 (fuck inflation) Walmart white shoestringless shoes, and or just straight blowout his knee. 

Kyle - The majority of us have played drinking games together throughout the years and we've seen it 100 times. I will piss him off and will be running for my life in someone's backyard when we play. 

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Will - Giraffe - Unlike Cody, this comparison is based on your physical attributes aka you are 900 feet tall. Shockingly giraffes are actually very quiet animals. They mind their own business and don't cause too much ruckus. Same with you Will. Quiet, Stealthy, hiding in the clouds but when they do fight they go for the neck. Will is a gamer and don't let this tall, skinny, lengthy sonabitch distract you from the fact he can ball.

Advantages:

Height- Outside of basically flip cup, every drinking game is better if you're taller (drinking game list at the end).

Women- 1:1 can look off the menu but won't order guy. Luckily for you, women will be banned unless it's DD time or beer run time.

Technology- Won't have time to be on your phone to look at women on tiktok/insta.

Disadvantages:

Alan/Cody/Chris- Alan is going to get sloppy quick and either 1.) throw a beer on you or 2.) make some crazy statement, question, opinion, or need a clarification that will inevitably slow whatever drinking game we are playing down to a complete stop and ruin your buzz/flow. Cody will get pissed and throw a ball/dye halfway across the yard and make you get it or smash your red solo cup or something obnoxious that you just can't handle. Chris will ask to hit your vape like 1000 times which just makes you see red. 

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Kyle (Your Version) - Pug - Annoying little lap and yap dog. Always has an opinion on everything, combative but cute, ankle biter blah fucking blah blah blah. Who the fuck cares about your opinion. 

Kyle (My version) - Rattlesnake - I can show my nice, kind, loving rattle but I will bite your fucking face off and poison you little bitches (with liquor). If you were to rate snakes by individual categories like most poisonous, length, survivability, coolness, attractiveness or what have you... the rattlesnake probably isn't the 1:1 leader in any of those. But it's always floating around the top 4 in every category and it ain't 4. 

Advantages (serious and actually non-biased I think):

Versatility- I may not be the best at any certain game, but I always will find myself towards the top of the leaderboards on any drinking game. I still play these games quite frequently and am still going hard. Only one real weakness when it comes to a specific drinking game which we will get to.

Disadvantages (serious and actually non-biased I think):

Beer Pong- Anyone who has been my partner while playing beer pong knows by about throw 3-4 I am totally checked out and I'll turn to you, my partner, and say I am bored. This game goes too slow, doesn't involve the crowd/bystanders and then I typically start throwing underhand because I want to stop playing as soon as possible. 

Advantages (my opinion):

Passion: Self-explanatory.

Experience: Self-explanatory.

Competitiveness: Self-explanatory. 

Leadership: Self-explanatory.

Charisma: Self-explanatory.

Influence on others when drinking: Self-explanatory. 

Disadvantages (my opinion):

Beer Pong- Every time I play this game I wish I wasn't playing it. If you win you have to keep playing and then the losing team often gathers everyone that was just forced to watch the most boring drinking game of all time to then go play a super fun drinking game while I am stuck at a table trying to intentionally throw when my partner goes for fire, island, and hitting 8 cups in a row forcing me to keep playing.

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FORMAT:

After much contemplation, I think I have figured out the best format for the drinking games. Obviously, this isn't final but what I think they should look like.

Individual events:

Boom: Flip Cup - Beer Chug.

Boom: If drink the final cup you are out. It is stacking and when it gets down to the final two players standing they both are the winners. 

Flip Cup: Survivor style BUT you get 2 total lives.

Beer Chug - old-fashioned clear plastic cup chug, cup must be placed on table and on a knee when finished. We will have 6 people to go first while the other 6 ref. Top 3 from each heat go to the final heat, bottom 3 go to the bottom heat.

Duo Events:

Partners will be drawn out of a hat BUT you cannot have the same partner in multiple events. You and your partner share the amount of points based on placing.

Beer Pong - Beer Ball - Beer Dye

Beer Pong: 6 cups double Elim tournament

Beer Ball: Self-explanatory.

Beer Dye: First to 11, double Elim tournament

Point System:

Will be on a golfing point score system and where you finish in each event is the number of points you receive. IE: You get first you get one point.

Referee's:

I considered hiring Todd and Devin to ref but I don't think there is any amount of money we could pay for them to do that as this will be a shit show of epic proportions. Two refs if possible will be needed to watch and solve all controversies per event. 

So with that being said the list of people allowed to referee in the first two hours: Alan, Austin, Brian, Chris, Dan, Doug, Dustin, Kirk, Kyle, Lukas, Cody, and Will. 

People who are allowed to ref after the first two hours: Austin, Brian, Chris, Dan, Doug, Dustin, Kirk, Kyle, Lukas, Cody, and Will. 

Kyle's quirks:

2 redo's - 1 timeout - Socials - Dizzy Bat - A Breathers 

2 redos: You personally get 2 redos for the entirety of the tournament and are used on opponents, not yourself. IE: You are in a 1v1 flip cup finals and your opponent beats you, you can call a redo and you two will both redo the 1v1 flip off. You and your partner are playing beer dye and your opponent sinks your cup to win the game (you still must drink it) but you can call redo and they get 0 points for that throw but get to throw again.

1 Timeout: You get one 1-minute and 30-second timeout per event. You need a quick breather or need to talk to a teammate. Call a timeout.

Socials: We will have 30-minute windows in between games where we can all socialize and take a little rest before going again.

Dizzy Bat: I would like to dizzy bat.

A Breather: I need to go throw up.

Final Format:

Event List in Order: 

1.) Beer Chug

2.) Boom

3.) Beer Dye

4.) Beer Pong 

5.) Beer Ball

6.) Flip Cup

- Socials can be talked about amongst the group as a vibe. Dizzy batting throughout is encouraged.

RANKINGS:

1.) Dan

2.) Cody

3.) Myself

4.) Dustin

5.) Will

6.) Brian

7.) Doug

8.) Kirk

9.) Chris

10.) Austin

11.) Alan

12.) Lukas

Note: These rankings are based on my opinion on how the FINAL outcome of the games (6+ hours of hardcore drinking games) not just one specific game.

Note Note: I know I'm probably getting last because I will be targeted per usual per every drinking game I've ever played.