Marriage is Fantasy Football

Marriage is Fantasy Football

For those who just want Fantasy Football scroll past my mumbo jumbo.

Note: Please do not share with Kathleen.

As I get married in 9 days what I have started to learn/notice is that marriage and fantasy football are the same thing. So what I am going to do is steal from Google Translate and literally translate fantasy football into marriage for you.  Maybe this only applies to me (which wouldn't be that shocking) as in my last write-up I brought up how I've been calling Kathleen Hitler, for only Antonio Brown/AB/MBC to only come out on Twitter and call Matt Canada Hitler also.

Anywho, follow me here:

1.) Draft Prepwork =  Starting to Date

- The last year of fantasy football has ended you either are the biggest loser, middle-of-the-pack loser, top-end loser, or the actual winner of last year. In either of the losing scenarios, you are looking forward to next year and probably making some adjustments from your previous year.

Kyle Translated:

- You've either had your girlfriend steal 5 AK47s and 2 handguns while on heroin (biggest loser), or you've been mentally drained/mentally drained the other part of your relationship to the point she decides to get back at you she starts banging all of your friends ((middle of the pack loser) also didn't care she did that)), or you've dated a girl you thought would be the one who was a professionalish soccer player who wanted to meet your parents before you were dating so you thought that was the indicator she wanted to date only to find out she didn't want to date just hookup and you blow the friends with benefits angle (top end loser), or you meet the love of your life and you get happily married (in 9 days). 

2.) Preseason Football into Draft Night = Engaged into Wedding Night

- Pre-season football is upon us. You are paying attention daily to injuries, hold-outs, who is getting first-team reps and who is not getting first-team reps, and whose name is hot in the streets. You start buying fantasy football magazines like you are 90 years old and are quite honestly just throwing money away (Will). You start listening to podcasts that think they are professionals only to find out out year after year nobody is. You start reading articles online to see who is a sleeper, who is a bust, who is a must-have, and who isn't a must-have. All of this work leads and is prepping you for the biggest day of the season/year which probably will backfire as no magazine, no article, and no professional can truly prep you for a draft.

Kyle Translated:

- You start meeting with the DJ who charges you an arm and a leg only to send him a 120-song "must play" playlist and then realize you are literally throwing money away as he is just going to organize those songs and hit play on a computer (magazines/Will). You answer a 155 questionnaire on how you view marriage and meet with the pastor 4 times before you are married to only go through and talk about how closing the shower curtain after you get out of the shower will mean the world to your future wife and you've been receiving advice from a professional that you've now meant a total of 4 times (professionals). You've been to 25 weddings (28 by March 16th) to find out what you like, don't like, hate, or love to build your perfect wedding to only find out the perfect wedding which lasts 1 day or 8 hours is the same as a down payment on a 400 thousand dollar house (nobody or nothing can prep you for a wedding).

3.) Draft Night/Season = Wedding Night/Forever

- You've spent a good portion of a month prepping for 1 hour and 30 minutes of hopefully finding yourself the perfect draft. A draft that you believe in and you think can make it through the gauntlet of a season to finally achieve the end goal of a championship. If not you just chalk it up to next year and learn from your mistakes the prior year.

Kyle Translated:

- I don't know if the prep worked and I don't know if we have the perfect wedding but I do know we can make it through the gauntlet and we can have the end goal of a perfect marriage. I refuse to chalk this marriage up and I have learned from my prior mistakes. How do I know this? I know this because I am not marrying the fucking Chicago Bears.  

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Fantasy Football

As I sit here and prepare to type out my evaluations of every team and individual running the team; I ask myself "Do people take my opinions and use them for themselves"? I sometimes wonder if typing these out does it hurt people's trades or stocks. Am I giving the people too much accurate and statistically backed info, that had I not given I might have been able to trade? I guess that's something I would like people to answer because if that is true and not just my huge ego getting in the way, it will change how in-depth I get with these power rankings/player rankings in hopes that we get more league action. So this week I will continue to have some takes that are backed by actual stats and await the league's response on if you think it impacts the league in a positive or negative.

1.) Chicago Bears (Kyle) - For the first time I am not so doom and gloom on my team. I have reached out to a few people just knocking on the trade door going full Fetty Wap (I am like hey whats up hello), but I think I am actually in an okay spot as long as I get a couple wins. Jamaar Chase just showed what we can do with Joey B at only 60%, Zach Moss is turning out to be a star which could mean JT will get traded, and Olave is producing without scoring a touchdown yet. "But Kyle, you still drafted the Chicago Bears". Well guess what buddy, they play 3/4 worst defenses in the league coming up in their schedule, I have Jameson Williams coming week 7 full fresh, and ready to go, along with the now non-tanking Cardinals who legitimately should be 3-0, and its now looking like Kyler could be coming back week 5-6, and Douggy P in Jacksonville has taken over the play calling hopefully getting that team somewhere back to playoff hopeful. I get a little steam here in the upcoming weeks and maybe not dead.

2.) Kamel42069lolhahaxd (Will) - Kirk Cousins is a top 3 QB in scoring, Kirk Cousins is a top 3 QB in scoring. I had to say that twice because I didn't fully process it the first time. Deebo is proving that last year was a fluke and he is fully back to two years ago form ((which Kyle Shanahan knew before everyone as Deebo was sending him shirtless pics throughout the offseason) Insert Chris texting the drool emoji)). The smart pickup of Jerome Ford might be what saves this team from what could be. The Njoku dice roll every year seems to never work, Tee Higgins was actually horrendous at football last night, Mattinson had one game before Scam Fakers enters the chat, and everyone knows that Desmond Ridder can't throw the football so I don't know how Bijan will produce from here. One signing that happened late tonight was Trevor Sieman signed to the Jets. I don't know if thats a step up from the guy who probably banged your mom, but maybe another option if they can't get Garret Wilson involved in the offense. 

3.) Cooper Troopers (Dustin) - If you aren't growing out your beard in solidarity for Andy Dalton saving your season then you don't deserve Thielen. Even if you might catch on fire on the way into church to pray, I'd probably still go. Pray to Allah that Bryce Young is out for multiple weeks or until Kupp is back. Also, remember when I typed out it's disrespectful to take all those receivers before taking Davantae Adams because I do. If I were you I would be shopping one of my TE's and trying to capitalize on the Bryce Youngless panthers. Go get some depth or get another spot starter because Bryce will be back and when he does come back, goodbye Thielan/Sanders. Joey B will get back to full health at some point this season and Brock is a good rock to lean on or a good catch (pokemon joke attempt).

PS: Adams did scream at his team saying "I came to win not lose, so either win or move me".

4.) Christian Mcnastys (Matt) - I am a soccer player who doesn't know football.

CNNDrake Fan Page Twitter. We all know Drake doesn't catch anything through the air to get to London. Shit Lisa Galore and La Jefa can't even confirm he's been in Atlanta.

PS: TTIME

5.) Unsolicited Dak Pics (Doug) - I thought it was funny watching defenses just outright win games but now it's getting annoying. This week is currently what I thought your team would and still will look like going forward. So "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" 3-0 but that Bills defense isn't doing that weekly and Herbert had his fun in the sun playing that Vikings defense. I will say Saquon is rumored to be back next week which is a huge positive boost for your team and I do think you will need it. My little birdies have been flapping around and I heard some rumblings of trades circling this team. I don't know if anything fully has developed but I do know your team is littered with WR2s and a washed Josh Jacobs.

6.) Team Wilson (Brian) - Deshaun Watson sucks, so that's bad. The good news is Jordan Love is a top 8 QB in fantasy with Christian Watson coming back. Along with that, it looks like AJones will be back for Thursday night football. AJ and Sun God are doing their thing but its getting annoying to type out how good this team could be but still has the whole JT and Dionate injury thing. So basically he's in the survive until they come back territory which he's basically doing sitting at 1-2. 

7.) Joint Per Reception (Kirk) - When Chubb got hurt I felt terrible for you and it sucks. The reason it sucked is twofold:

1.) Nick Chubb is one of the best football players/individuals we have in the sport. I sent $24 to his foundation and your biggest rivals gave him a standing O while chanting his name in Pittsburgh. 

2.) Losing the face of the franchise is fucking brutal and I felt that when TJ Watt was out 8 games last year. Watching your team play football without its face just doesn't feel the same. 

Basically what I am saying I have been (to some degree) where you are now. I've walked in those shoes and I've seen it through those same lenses. Kyle what the fuck does this have to do with fantasy? Well Kirk has actually put up the 3rd most points in the league but is 0-3. He has one of the best rosters in fantasy but also has the most points against. I have been there. Nothing feels worse. Just know you will make it through this troubling time and if you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. 

8.) Matt Rows a Hoe (Cody) - Kings stay Kings. Best record in the league as he's 6-0 through week 3. Humble yourselves in the sight of the lord and he will lift you up. My dream is to one day become a Nattyboi. 

9.) Njigba Please (Alan) - How about don't change your name in the middle of the season please? How about don't change your name in the middle of the season for a player thats not on your team please? Either way this team is in troubleeeeee. Rule #48 in fantasy football is backup runningbacks typically suck which is why they are the backup and not the starter. Jets aren't using Breece Hall at all which is insane, Tractor Seato season maybe dead, Josh Kelly + Aj Dillon + Ronny Rivers + Devin Singletary = 4 wasted bench spots. Unless Hurts gets back to normal you're purely relying on Tyreek and Evans to carry you this season (which lowkey isn't the worst). My advice is locate Travis Scott because we haven't been able to find Drake who we can confirm isn't catching anything in the air to London. 

10.) Pitts n Giggles (Austin) - I will say having 2 of the top 5 RB's in fantasy football is something that looks nice to have. Between them and this newfound Lamar they will win games. I still will always worry about the receiving core (even Diggs) as I don't know if any of them have big game potential. My advice is to enjoy the good times. Have a cocktail or two. Get that lil dump moving and grooving. Enjoy today because it's not forever. I want you to be happy.

PS: Ask the AJones, Saquon, Chubb, Eckler, Jamaal Williams, Gainwell owners if today is forever.

11.) Slay All Day (Chris) - I'll be your shaggy and you be my scooby? (0-3 kings)

12.) Jahmyre-cycle 34st street (Lukas) - We have a real problem in our league and that problem isn't just Cody or Kirk its Lukas. The Puca $1 shit to this day makes me so fucking mad. But Laporta is turning into a top 5 TE like 2 years before he was supposed to. Tank Dell was another receiver he got off waivers thats going to be a starter. On top of that Christian Watson is about to take the field and be a real problem as the packers offense is actually built around him. Now I say all of that but Dameon Pierce will not be putting up any numbers anytime soon as Houston has as of today 6 starting offensive lineman out with maybe weed gas mask coming back this week. Along with that Gibbs is a fun cute little toy, but if they can't get him going before Monty comes back, all he will be is a cute fun little toy. I think Laporta and Watson/Dell make this team very fucking scary but also could have some really low low games also as they haven't shown that much consistency yet. JJ is JJ. 

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Last Weeks Power Rankings: 

1.) Matt Row's a Hoe (Will be ranked 1 until week 7)

2.) Joint Per Reception (Should be ranked 1 but I don't know where to put CT) (Also I am a believer and CT is my God)

3.) Jahmr-ycle on 34th st 

4.) Send Elp

5.) Christian Mcnastys

6.) Team Kamel 12941 

7.) Pitts n Giggles

8.) Unsolicited Dak Pics

9.) Chicago Bears

10.) Cooper Troopers

11.) Team Wilson (Due to injuries)

12.) Slay All day

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This Weeks Power Rankings:

1.) Matt Row's a Hoe (6-0 BABBYYYY)

2.) Joint Per Reception 

3.) Jahmr-ycle on 34th st 

4.) Christian Mcnastys

5.) Team Kamel42069hahalolxd

6.) Unsolicited Dak Pics

7.) Pitts n Giggles (Kirk you know)

8.) Cooper Troopers

9.) Send Elp

10.) Chicago Bears

11.) Team Wilson (Still dead)

12.) Slay All day

- My Brain