Dwight Schrute and Micheal Scott
Generally speaking, I am currently not having fun.
Just a quick little update on how my last 72 hours have gone.
- I have slept about 7 hours total of the 72.
- I get married in the 3 weeks and basically broke my pinky toe, to the point I can't wear a shoe.
- I spent Sunday morning around 5am-6am in a tiny airport in Peniscola throwing up profusely in front of basically the entire airport.
- Kathleen my future wife's birthday is 4/20 and I think views me as a Jew at this point.
Editors note: Kathleen hasn't been a bridezilla by any means but she warned me not to be an idiot and get hurt/fuck myself up 3 weeks before the wedding. I have been an idiot and fucked myself up 3 weeks before the wedding.
Editors note 2: Brian is getting an x-ray on his foot this morning so he kinda of saved me in the sense I can just say "At least I'm not Brian". Here is his foot:
"Kyle just get to the fantasy football portion" - all of you probably.
Well, I am and Brian can relate to me when I say this: None of that listed above would matter if my fantasy team wasn't so fucking ass.
I could have amputated my foot (Brian if you do have to cut your foot off this joke will still be funny but less funny) 3 weeks before the wedding but not have cared, had my fantasy team shown any hope. I fucking hate the Bears, I've never liked the Bengals, and I didn't draft anyone to really keep next year so fuck me.
PS: None of this matters if the Steelers win tonight.
So let's get to it. The Dwight and Micheal Scott of our league, and now the Dwight and Micheal Scott of your teams (Dwight being real and Micheal Scott being way overdramatic).
Live look at Brian and me at the hospital.
Chicago Bears (Kyle) - Jamaar Chase my 4th overall pick has 17 points through two weeks in the NFL season putting him at WR 52 so far this season is probably my Micheal Scott. Bengals under Joe Burrow have started 1-7 through the first two games of the season. I still believe and think its a bit overdramatic to panic about him yet, but nonetheless, he's WR 52. The Bears are my Dwight Schrute, I think they will have their games of big points but they are not good enough to have 3/7ths of my team built around them. I am going to be looking to shed Herbert, Moore, and Fields as I can't survive with all 3 of them starting. I am still not a red button nuke on my team just quite yet, but the glass case covering that nuke button has been opened.
Unsolicited Dak Pics (Doug) - I know you've been feeling yourself. 2-0 yippie yondootle. The problem Micheal Scott of this team is Addison and Smith. It's been a fun run with those two putting up major points after two weeks. But let's not be overdramatic here, Addison is somewhat the 3rd option still on that offense (idk why he is Osborn sucks), and they caught on camera how fucking pissed off AJ Brown is as he's not getting the ball these last two games. Both of these guys have scored 2 touchdowns in the first 2 games and that's almost impossible to maintain. Your dwight schrute is Saquon. He is the real deal (this injury isn't bad by any means) but Josh Jacobs is my Jamaar Chase. Also if DK is actually hurt, Lockett to the moon.
PS: Allen Lazard had 2 catches for 23 yards this week.
Christian Mcnastys (Matt) - I've often said I would want to live in Doug's brain and just watch it work. I am now taking that back and you are now the brain I want to live in. I was down bad yesterday and my brain wasn't fully functioning when you texted the group saying something like "Drake London is him, great fantasy player, look he has 18 points, I'd suck his dick, and I will stand on this mountain or die trying he was a great pick!!!!" So in prepping to write this I go through each team/matchup and look at how everyone did.
Wait wait wait wait do I see that right.
Let me make sure I fully understand this. The mountain you're willing to die on is that Drake London was a good pick in the 5th round, but also from this same mountain, you benched him within one week. Wait, wait, wait, I am going to try to understand this one more time.
Matt thinks Drake London is worth going in the 5th round and is a good pick. Matt starts him in week one and he puts up 0 points. Doesn't matter only one week, I still believe in my guy, I think he is going to produce numbers for me. Matt looking at his starting lineup thinks to himself, alright I got my fucking stud of a 5th rounder in Drake London, or hear me out OR I can start my 6th round pick in Mike Williams, or my 9th round pick in Elijah Moore, or my 13th round pick Nico Collins over my great pick in Drake London. Matt then chooses to bench Drake London and promptly start every receiver on his team that he drafted after he drafted Drake London.
Just so everyone is on the same page, Matt benched his 5th-round pick, started 3 receivers he drafted after the said pick, and then texted me saying how good his 5th-round pick was while on the bench, the same bench Matt put him on.
Matt let me come live upstairs for a bit I want to see how things operate in there for a little.
Because you forced me to type that out I will keep it short and sweet: CMC was and is awesome (I'd be semi-worried Shanahan is going to run him into the ground but you won't listen to me so nevermind), Hockenson had a Hockenson game, and Nico Collins is the truth.
Team Wilson (Brian) - I mean not much to say here. I don't think your team is bad, but much like you currently they are all dead. Not having Dionate, AJones, Gainwell (before swift happened), and Taylor which are 4 starters is basically a death sentence. Trade or die trying could be your strategy.
Cooper Troopers (Dustin) - The one week your team goes off entirely the other team you're playing goes off and your highest scorers are on your bench. I mean you drafted the perfect late rounds RBs in James Cook and Brian Robinson. But please, please, please, for the love of god please stop starting double TE's. Literally, do anything but start Goedert. I know you looked at the Robinson matchup versus the tough Denver defense and you looked at the Atwell tough 49ers defense. Skyy Moore will be hit or miss. Staying in theme:
PS: As a Jamaar owner, to a Joe Burrow owner, we are one.
Team Kamerl56719 (Will) - Enjoy it while it lasts big one. This will be your highest-scoring week of the season so let that sink in. Montgomery is going to be out for a few weeks (and for him that's basically all season), Higgins had his game, and Wilson is going to be so hit or miss because of the other Wilson. Kirky boy fanboy here, Bijan continues to show how fucking good he is, and you hit on the roulette table of "whose gonna get all the points for the 49ers this week" in Deebo or Aiyuk. Enjoy it while it lasts my boy because this is a one off.
Joint Per Reception (Kirk) - It says you currently have only a 25% chance to win. Hot take: I think you win tonight. The Saints' defense is good and I currently have Nick Chubb o109.5 rushing yards for like +250 tonight. You're down 31 points and I think Chubb can easily get 20 here tonight.
All that being said I was surprised a bit by the no-start for Kyren Williams. I'm assuming the decision came down to Dotson or Williams. Personally, had I known Cam Akers was inactive (I was throwing up at the time), I probably would have gone the Willaims over Dotson choice. I know everyone gives me shit for my rankings and they never really align with people's actual records or scores (Austin). But T-law put up 9 points and ol Kirky boy here is about to put up 145 and still win.
Jahmar-ycle on 34st (Lukas) - First time I have ever used the FAAB system in fantasy and it will be the last time I make this mistake. Getting Puka for fucking $1 is criminal and I still can't believe the remaining 11 of us are that fucking stupid. You went from being one of the worst teams in the league to now a problem. Due to the injuries on Zay Jones and Monty, you now have Christian Kirk being back to last year's numbers and now the Lions actually are going to be forced to use Gibbs more. I am a little worried on Dameon Pierce as the Texans are throwing the ball around 50 times a game which is typically the complete opposite of what NFL teams do with a rookie QB. Apparently, their entire line is dead which doesn't help Pierce but again 50 passing attempts a game right now.... I was never worried on Josh Allen and JJ was the first overall pick for a reason and I expect nothing to change on that.
Pitts and giggles (Austin) - Tied for being the biggest critic of the power rankings (Sup Matt) you aren't going to like this week either but here we go. Lamar looked way better than last week which was huge, but I still worry about your Godwin, Pitts, Sutton and MT side of this team. To me still, they are around 10 points a game players which is fine I guess but I haven't seen the upside to them that you see. This Dallas defense is that good and is truly solo-carrying this team which I said won't keep happening but I think you may have turned me into a believer. Especially after seeing their upcoming schedule:
I do agree once Kyler is back Brown is a huge improvement, and call me crazy Ken Walker did ball out but I think that's more on the Lions than Ken being fantastic (that's not hating that's just they don't play the Lions every week).
Slay All Day (Chris) - Sup bestfriend. I texted you off to the side about me hitting the panic button and seeing if we could work together to make each other better but you said "I have not hit the panic button yet". That makes one of us. I think in the future this team will be good but having Eckler out and having no receivers going over 10 points a week is a real problem you might have to come to grips with. You do get Kamara back shortly so your season may just rely on him/eckler. Like myself and the Bears, you chose the Steelers to be 4/7ths of your team, which I love you for, but moving off Pickett was a great choice and soon to follow is going to be Pickens and Najee. Afterward, we join hand in hand and got fucking kill that piece of shit useless fucking dickhead of an OC Matt Canada.
Send Elp (Alan) - I still think your team is very good, but I do think your management of this team is extremely questionable. I say that as Jamaal Williams hasn't played yet but the fact of the matter is Jamaal Williams and AJ Dillon over Mike Evans and Scary Terry:
Granted you still wouldn't have won with them in but something to keep in mind going forward. Typically if not all the time backup runningbacks are backups for a reason, they suck, yet we all expect them to fill the role of the guy in front of them. As I mentioned before you were on the bad side of Aiyuk and Deebo, but Breece Hall only getting 4 carries is almost a fireable offense from Saleh. I say that coming from watching 36 games of a Steelers offense that has only scored over 20 points 7 times. Wouldn't read to much into this lose but more of a "AJ Dillion is bad".
Matt Rows a Hoe (Cody) - LOL. Where all the mother fucking haters you little pussy ass bitches. I was a hater but paid my $10 membership fee to join the right side of history. I said Mostert wouldn't do that again, I said Rachaad white was ass, and I said Swift was stuck in a RB by committee. I stand before you today asking to take me back CT. I don't know why I quit you and I'll never do it again. Top point scorer on the week all while Gallup gave him 1 point and Kelce played like 5 minutes.
PS: I have no fucking clue how or even if what just happened can happen on a weekly basis. But Cody will go 6-0 and I'll take that to mother fucking bank.
Last Week's Power Rankings:
1.) Send Elp
2.) Joint Per Reception
--- Gap ----
3.) Chicago Bears
4.) Team Wilson (Pending AJones/Diontae Hammys)
5.) Team Kamel42069xd
6.) Christian Mcnasty's
7.) Pitts in Giggles
8.) Unsolicited Dak Pics
9.) Slay all Day
10.) Jahmr-ycle on 34thstreet
11.) Matt Row's a Hoe
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This Weeks Power Rankings
1.) Matt Row's a Hoe (Will be ranked 1 until week 7)
2.) Joint Per Reception (Should be ranked 1 but I don't know where to put CT) (Also I am a believer and CT is my God)
3.) Jahmr-ycle on 34th st
4.) Send Elp
5.) Christian Mcnastys
6.) Team Kamel 12941
7.) Pitts n Giggles
8.) Unsolicited Dak Pics
9.) Chicago Bears
10.) Cooper Troopers
11.) Team Wilson (Due to injuries)
12.) Slay All day
~ My Brain
I apologize for not sticking to the script of Dwight and Micheal Scott for every team my brain is full-on broken and will remain that way until about midday Wednesday.
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